Faith

Faith, beliefs, religion…These are things that keep us grounded, sane..something we can cling on to when all else fails. A ‘constant’ that does not change unlike everything else in our lives. How strange that we are lucky enough to have something like that and yet we turn to it only when we’re in trouble or when we’re down on our luck. We do all the crap this world has to offer and when it gets outta hand its God we turn to for help..for relief… for hope. It’s our only escape. Ironically if we had just trusted in god in the first place we wouldn’t have needed to be rescued. Its then that we pray….we beg…we promise that we’ll try to not go back to how we were…just grant me this and I’ll give it all up. and lo and behold things most of the time fall into place..or they just don’t seem that big of a deal anymore. Its life back to normal…back to how it used to be..all promises forgotten. We think, God has bigger problems to worry about anyway. Till the next time of course when ur problem is the biggest one that anyone can possibly have..then of course god had better sit up and pay attention.

But we are only human..we falter, we fail, we stumble back and forth. When things are great we don’t want to think about anything else. At the same time when things are bad..we can’t see beyond that..its like all hope is lost..no faith in the future . Faith..thats the key. Its not religion its not going to church 50 times a month, its not trying ‘not’ to do stuff that is branded as sinful. We so often think that being religious is going to church 5 times a week..not drinking..not smoking…being responsible..being a holy joe. That’s all secondary..its not what having faith is about..all those things would fall into place ultimately….that is not what you need to fix first..thats not what is important..if the other things are straight in ur head those things will come automatically.

And its not like bad things don’t happen to faithful or good people - that's the plan? - Its ironic I know and I think ppl who do have faith on a certain level are the ones to whom bad things happen the most..maybe tests and trials..i don’t know.. We will always need rescuing..thats why there is a god I guess. Ultimately its believing that there is a plan for your life right from the day u came into this world and it is revealed to u some way or the other.

Someone told me that it’s like someone is watching out for me….wow…..isn’t that an awesome feeling? Who wouldn’t want that? Maybe its just that ultimately the plan that god has for you is always fulfilled…that is, if u let it in some way or the other…if you somehow manage to find ur way home even if u are lost in the darkest forest. Maybe even if you at least ‘try’ to find your way out. I guess that’s what it means when they say that if you take one step towards god he’ll take a thousand towards you. its funny how these things that u hear all your life only make real sense when you’re looking for that way home.

What do you have at the end of the day if you don’t have faith? Your friends? Your family? Your work? yeah sure all those things are there and we are lucky to have good friends and a family that loves us but how often are they your source of complete comfort in times of need…consciously or unconsciously we do turn to the unseen..a power.. cos we need to believe that there has to be something or someone who can change the course of your life..who can make everything better..you know noone else can…who can give you that inner peace about decisions that u make.

Why is it then so damn difficult for us to have faith? Cos we think all the fun in life is over then? Cos we have to become holy nerds? What are we? 16? Yeah we wish.

Bigger picture….peace of mind…..hope…FAITH.

My own worst enemy

I wrote this a year or so ago...wow can't beleive i actually felt like this then?

What do u do when the only person you’re disappointed in is yourself?…what do u do when only person that ur angry with is yourself…its been so long its not even fair to blame the person or situation causing the heart ache. What do you do when u become your own worst enemy? This is a tired soul trying to let out some of the pain within…..a feeble attempt to let loose some of the trapped emotions inside. Hoping in some way it will help, help to ease the pain, help to let go of the memories, help to forget, help to stop, help to..just help. Groping in the dark for some answers…

This is a soul just wanting to be happy..just wanting peace of mind..just wanting to be free..end all the pain..the loneliness…Y am i so afraid of being alone? Y does the fact that I can’t turn to the arms of a man for comfort scare me? But it does..So I remain..locked in this viscious circle..from one to the other..find one where I can stay just a little bit longer than the rest..accept any terms that come along..y? because I feel safe, because I belong, because I need. Only to wake up to find it was all unreal…wanted it so much to be true it almost felt real for a bit..but just for a bit. At times you wake up from this fantasy you’ve created around yourself and ironically…find yourself lonelier than you’ve ever felt in your entire life. You try and go back to that place where everything is ok..its just a phase u say..u try but it comes back in some way or another. And finally In one split second..it all comes crashing down like a pack of cards..so weak was it..that it just fell..just like that…but the effect..the effect hits you like an avalanche hurtling towards you..the funny thing is you know its coming..u can hear it…u can feel it…but if u close your ears tight enough…u believe it isn’t there.

Who’s gonna help u now? You r probably lucky enough to have ppl around who can help you get up..out of that pit..they try..u let them for a while…but that pit is somewhere where you don’t have to deal with reality..the reality that you need get out of that place on your own…they can only get you out half way..the rest is up to you….what do you do? The sec they let go of your hand…its…its…dark…lonely..you don’t have to be this way…there was a time just a while ago when it felt good..it felt safe..y not go back there? Just for a bit..what diff would it make? Its better that being miserable and trying to get outta thr all alone…this is a better way…you’re stronger now u think..i can deal with this, this time. I’ll go back to that place, you think…just this time I’ll protect myself, you say…so armor on, sword in hand, shield in position you walk forth into that land back to that enemy territory..where you were left for dead…but the vultures unfortunately didn’t eat your flesh..wish they had,,at least you wouldn’t have the strength to go back into war…war with yourself.

Its there….Familiarity….try……Emptiness…..try…..y isn’t it like it used to be?…try…….its kind of coming back…..try…….lonliness…..why? why? Leave him…I can’t…..why? what will I do? I can’t go back to that pit…I won’t make it….this is better…..is it? Try…..i can’t go thru it again….but its not worth it…..try…..y am I the only one trying? Its me…I’m overacting..its no big deal….enjoy it..don’t ruin it….try….ignore everything else…. Now its clear…I know..its time…I’m back in the pit…you see… I never left it…never left…I need to get out…I have to get out…or I’m gonna drown..i’m gonna lose myself….but how do I get out? Can I leave all this behind? But what am I leaving behind? What am I going to lose? How do I lose Something that was never mine? But y does it hurt so bad then? Y can’t I understand? Y can’t I see the quick sand that’s pulling me in?…… I see and yet I don’t see…………. Reality is the most difficult thing to ignore and yet sometimes the easiest..how did we become such experts at ignoring reality…. Is our mind such a powerful thing that we make ourselves believe we can ignore it? We can make our own reality but can we invite other people into it? Does our reality become theirs? Or do change our reality to theirs?

Like I was saying… what do u do when the only person you’re disappointed in is yourself?…only person that ur angry with is yourself…its been so long its not even fair to blame the person or situation causing the pain. What do you do when u become your own worst enemy?

Soulmate?

You think there is this ‘one’ person that you’re meant to be with? Someone who you’re destined to be with? A soul mate? That there is a plan right from the beginning and what ever you do you will end up with just that person. But how can we make sure we end up with that appointed person..how do u know? Can one wrong turn down that street deprive you of that opportunity to meet that someone? Or do more opportunities present themselves over and over again till it’s in your face and you can’t deny it anymore…(or is that person just ur stalker and keeps following you around)

what if you let those opportunities pass you by? Does that mean we can’t truly love anyone other than the ones we’re meant to be with? Or are there 2nd and 3rd options? Not a very romantic notion I know but I honestly don’t think ppl always end up with who they’re meant to be with. Where could they have gone wrong? Did they see and choose to ignore cos it wasn’t convenient at the time or are some ppl just blinded by so much other crap around that they can’t see.

There are people who think constantly that the person they are with is ‘the one’ only to be disappointed in the end and move on to the next....while others don’t even give it half a chance cos they’re so afraid of getting hurt. Which approach is better? The former? cos at least they’re giving it a chance but then is it worth all the heartache? The latter? But then u may never find the person at all.

I think there are signs all around us pointing us in the direction. It’s not possible someone is destined for us but there aren’t signs pointing us to the person..what good would that be? Maybe we just need to really sit up and pay attention…maybe in some form or the other we would know..call it instinct…call it gut feel. Some people say they just ‘know’…maybe they just saw the signs more quickly and clearly while others are more cautious.

Should we just sit back and let it happen? If there is that person we’re meant to be with then we’ll come across them some way or the other. I guess its just believing that you will find that person some day and not ignoring it when u see the signs. It’s keeping your mind open..willing to take that chance. It’s knowing deep inside that that’s ‘the one’. You gotta feel it in your soul….that’s why we call them ‘soul’ mates.

Black hole

Life isn't always fair but it isn't fair to everyone thats what makes it fair....not insight i came up with myself..its from westside story..i think. Don't u feel ever so often that u'v got the short end of the stick, that things should have gone a certain way..it feels so right.. but some strange twist of fate turns it all around..just when u think that its gonna be all ok. You see it coming but choose to ignore cos u think if u close ur eyes tight enough it won't happen to u. but it does..it hits u right in between those eyes. U're shocked, u cry, u laugh, u go psycho, u regret, u hope. But its gone..its happened. All that effort that investment that part of u that u gave..all for nothing. Why? was there something u could have done so that it would have turned out differently? but all that was in ur control u did..u know u must have...how could u not when u wanted it so badly.

What do u do now? Accept it? but u don't wanna let it go..if u let it go it means u have to move on..u don't want to move on..sometimes we're just happy in our bondage..its safe..its familiar..its a place u don't have to face the future cos ur still stuck trying to forget the past. Accepting that its over..that there's no hope means u have to face life again..get closure..start anew. How? when ur so used to thinking a certain way..imagining ur life to be a certain way...if u accept that there is no hope..its actually erasing ur entire future as u saw it....its a clean slate..a black hole..thats too big..too real..too freakin scary.

So of course u sit there and keep reliving the past..hope that it will come back..that all that u did..all that u invested could not have gone to waste..that the time was not right and someday it will be..keep the faith as they say that it'll all work out. At least u have something to live for..some sort of light in front..u don't have to face that black hole of uncertainty. So u concentrate all ur efforts back to it..cos how can u not when u want it so bad. things look up its that good ol feeling again..that anticipation that it just might all be ok... But for how long? how long before u realize yet again that time is up and u'v invested so much again and yielded no return..aaand we're back..the shock..the loss..the pain..but worst of all the choice...the choice to either go back to hoping or to face that black hole..start afresh..start anew.

So u have to make a choice..and ur sitting there crying cos u don't know what to do..what possible solution can there be..ur so afraid to face what lies ahead cos what if it wouldn't be like what u've been imagining all this time...And then suddenly it hits u..cos thats it...u've been imagining..it wasn't reality..it was what u made it out to be in ur head cos u wanted it so bad....u've been mourning over the loss of something u never even had to begin with..come to think of it imagine if it had worked out..how much pressure would u put on it to live up to what u hyped it up to be all this time. Ur crying over how something or someone isn't what u want them to be or imagined them to be. wow how awful would it be if it had worked out in all the euphoria and fantasy and then u, like u inevitably would, that it wasn't how u had imagined all along...but ur stuck..and u can't get out cos u fought so hard to to get there.

Thank god...this is the best thing that ever happened to u..it wasn't what u thought it was..how could it be..it wasn't real. The future doesn't look so bad now does it when u consider how bad the it could have been if ur past had turned out any different. It still is freakin scary and always will be but atleast u know u did all u could..u fought the good fight...if it still didn't happen there's a reason...ur wiser now..ur stronger now..so march right on into that black hole...