Alls well that ends well

Been a year and a half since i started writing on this blog. well, havn't written in 6 months so a year of writing. I aparently can write only when i'm depressed about something and boy did i have a lot to be depressed about last year or atleast thought i did at the time. Anyway a friend pointed out to me today that if i haven't written in so long it probably means i'm happy. Hmmm..kind of sad that it took that for me to realize that i guess i am pretty happy with the way my life is going but nevertheless i guess i am..wowww.. Sooo..yeah i don't know what to write now cos i don't have something to blow out of proportion and make into the tragedy of the century. I actually told my freind today that 'Happy' is boring...what kind of a morose retard says that? No wonder I've convinced myself that being depressed is better. But then life obviously does have its ups and downs and its up to us how long we take to take control and pick ourselves up, out of those downs. I am lucky to have found what i was looking for to give me that incentive to get out of my cosy hole of misery. Anyway, today is a new day and i say goodbye to my wannabe tragic poet days and my reveries turn from laments to joy. So until the next time i stub my toe..Au voir

Lost

I'm so lost..lost and still going further and further into this desert...just out of sheer curiosity to see how much further i can go..how much i can push myself .. Sometimes i see a nice spot, a resting place..cool shade..crystal clear flowing water. this must be it i think and rush towards it..imagining and fantasizing about how awesome its gonna be..what could possibly go wrong? I'm thrilled with expectation... run and dive headfirst into the water...only to find that it was a mirage....sore and bleeding i sit there thinking what went wrong..but it felt so real.. i had hyped it up in my head so much and wanted it so bad.
Its at that moment..when i'm sitting there exhausted and disappointed that i need to make that decision to either head back home..back to safety or to keep going deeper into the desert because i think that there might be a chance that there is something good actually out there.. that i will find my oasis.
Of course the logical thing to do would be to head back and with full knowledge of that i still decide to go ahead and wander around some more because that's what i'm used to..its been so long like this that its just easier to keep going.. its my life now..its all i know. I think there is enough time for that..i can go home whenever i want to. I need the anticipation, the thrill of the unknown. i don't think i can survive back where i came from.. i'm not that person anymore.. so i trudge along with fresh bruises.. another part of me dead.. another wound that will never heal.. and i can still feel it.. that nagging feeling.. that guilt and regret of having gotten into a mess again and still not learning.
But I'm glad i still can feel regret and guilt..hopefully that means i'm not completely lost. There is some hope. maybe some day i can muster up the courage and have the common sense to stop doing this to myself. I look around sometimes for that car that might come by so i can hitch a ride back home..sometimes they come and i don't ask for a ride and most times i go for aride for a bit and get off before i reach home. As i grow older it becomes increasingly hard to let go of the madness. Shouldn't it be wisdom that comes with age and not foolishness that comes with thinking u have 'one life enjoy it'.
so i stumble on hoping that i'll find my oasis.. i just hope that i find it soon because i seem to have begun to forget the way home.

I AM the 'Eye in the sky'

Dont think sorrys easily said
Dont try turning tables instead
You've taken lots of chances before
But Im not gonna give anymore
Dont ask me
Thats how it goes
Cause part of me knows what youre thinkin

Dont say words youre gonna regret
Dont let the fire rush to your head
Ive heard the accusation before
And I aint gonna take any more
Believe me
The sun in your eyes
Made some of the lies worth believing

I am the eye in the sky
Looking at you
I can read your mind
I am the maker of rules
Dealing with fools
I can cheat you blind
And I dont need to see any more
To know that
I can read your mind, I can read your mind

Dont leave false illusions behind
Dont cry cause I aint chnaging my mind
So find another fool like before
Cause I aint gonna live anymore believing
Some of the lies while all of the signs are deceiving

Cheers, we're in Goa!

Cheers we're in Goa.. that was my anthem for 6 days... 6 days of complete bliss.. have never had a holiday of this kind EVER.. it wasn't really a holiday in was an experience.. a calm reverie of sorts.

Picture this:
wake up..walk to the beach.. lounge on a beach chair staring at the sea.. eggs bacon and mashed potatoes..... . run into the sea for a bit... an awesome head and shoulder / foot massage...stare at the sea..wine /beer in hand..lunch... warm breeze on your face..light music in the air... stare at the sea.. swim in the sea... back to the hotel pool.. shower.. relax.. and head out to dance the night away.. stare at the moon on the beach in the night. All this with a friend that you connect with so well that you can just sit back and enjoy this time together. sunsets by the beach..Everything fell into place.. i'm not one to use the word perfection for too many things but there is no other word to describe this..

How often can you actually completely let yourself go and not think about anything but that moment right then when all u see around you is beauty.. be amazed by the rays of sunshine as it falls on the ocean just before sunset even after seeing it for 5 days. Enjoying the company of your friend without having to share every detail of your life. Laughing hysterically for no reason what so ever..Having so much time with yourself alone in your head and still not worrying or thinking about a thing in this world. nothing before this moment and nothing after.

So many memories..so many moments that can never be forgotten..and i never will.. this is what its about, each day should be spent finding beauty in the ocean and sand and trees...days spent with dreaming and sunsets and refreshing breezes and in the company of a good freind who understands this moment exactly as you do..that cannot be bettered...cheers we were in Goa.

GGOOAA YAYYYY

GOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA I'm going to Goa.. i'm going to goa.... i'm so excited i can hardly breathe.. the beach, sea beeze, the smell of the sea..shacks by the beach,There's just something in the air in Goa........ prawns, crab, breezers, coctails, wine, swimming.. .......yayyyyyy

Seriously Trippy Song: High Hopes - Floyd

Beyond the horizon of the place we lived when we were young
In a world of magnets and miracles
Our thoughts strayed constantly and without boundary
The ringing of the division bell had begun


Along the Long Road and on down the Causeway
Do they still meet there by the Cut

There was a ragged band that followed in our footsteps
Running before time took our dreams away
Leaving the myriad small creatures trying to tie us to the ground
To a life consumed by slow decay

The grass was greener
The light was brighter
With friends surrounded

The night of wonder
Looking beyond the embers of bridges glowing behind us
To a glimpse of how green it was on the other side
Steps taken forwards but sleepwalking back again
Dragged by the force of some inner tide

At a higher altitude with flag unfurled
We reached the dizzy heights of that dreamed of world

Encumbered forever by desire and ambition
There's a hunger still unsatisfied
Our weary eyes still stray to the horizon
Though down this road we've been so many times

The grass was greener
The light was brighter
The taste was sweeter
The nights of wonder
With friends surrounded
The dawn mist glowing
The water flowing
The endless river

Forever and ever

I miss

I miss eating water melon from the cart on the roadside with juice dripping down my hands and feeling all sticky and gross..instead of worrying about flies and disease.

I miss eating all the ice lollies we could get at the store every single day instead of worrying about cellulite

I miss getting all excited at the thought of going for a party cos there were boys coming along instead of thinking all men are dogs

I miss talking on the phone all night before a really big exam instead of being so tired i just drop dead

I miss how incredibly funny it was seeing my friends drunk for the first time without realizing how incredibly stupid I sounded myself instead of getting drunk and talking about what dead end futures we have.

I miss worrying about how to con my mom into giving me a 100 bucks instead of worrying how to make my next credit card payment.

I miss the thrill of that first kiss, the flirting, the attention instead of thinking he’s gonna hurt me, cheat on me, give me some disease.

I miss meeting a guy and just enjoying being with him instead of having to size him up to see if he would be a good father to my children.

I miss crying over my ex boyfriend and the good times we had instead of thinking ‘oh well’

I miss how I could talk for hours about nothing and everything with my friends, like we'd live forever instead of about how our time is up

I miss how we had all the answers and all we needed was the experience instead of been there done that and sold out

I miss waking up in the morning and thinking ‘yuck’ school today but then smiling cos that also meant playing red rover 10 times over at break time. I miss waking up in the morning and thinking ‘yuck’ college today but then smiling cos that also meant seeing that oh so cute guy in the next class. I miss waking up in the morning and…smiling

I miss just doing stuff....cos....just because………instead of having to complete the end of that sentence all the time and end up not doing anything.

But the funny thing is…more than anything..what I really miss is not the way things used be..what I miss most is… me.