Tick tick tick..

Growing old / older is a funny thing..actually not so funny..more like terrifying. i never used to understand that..always felt that the older you get the more independent and happier u are..but as i grow older i feel this need to be dependant on someone..someone who's there all the time. And that need is so overwhelming its difficult to live out and enjoy the so called independent life.

The problem is ur screwed either way..u come to this point where the need to have someone is so overwhelming that ur willing to settle for anything that remotely feels good...and then when he/she doesn't live up to the incredible expectations u set during all those years of waiting, it all falls to pieces...and ur back to being alone while ur with someone...there's nothing worse than that..is it better to be alone with the hope of finding someone rather than knowing that its all a lie and beyond hope.

The worst part is, it gets so difficult to accept things when u get older. If there's something u want u just hang on to it for dear life..is it cos we don't think we'll find anything better again? or that if we don't seize this opportunity it'l never happen again? its like time is running out and i can't let go of something..its probably not even that great and u know it but surprisingly ur standards hav come down..ur willing to settle..that's awful..no wonder people hate growing older.

ultimately it comes down to being petrified that ur going to die alone and hav nobody and at the same time wonder whether that's better than being in a rut with someone and hating ur life anyway.

Its like we're preparing for death and we're scared that time is running out..might as well shoot ourselves and save ourselves the time.

U know ur old when you:

Say 'remember the time when..' at least 5 times in one conversation.

You start appreciating friends more..actually define your relationships..don't feel silly abt saying 'i love u' to ur friends...cherish them more

Feel no inhibitions about talking about stuff that u wud have rather died than talk abt aka lite sabers :)

want to go out and do stuff and meet ppl but wud rather just go out with those comfortable few cos u hav no energy to make conversation and fake interest in people's lives.

Talk about how we're gonna die alone and what dead end lives we have for 90% of the conversations.

snigger when someone says how much in love they are cos they think it'll last forever think u know 'everything' abt men, relationships blah blah

feel no inhibitions about hitting on a guy cos u feel no fear of rejection, as in, u don't give a shit either way.

have no problems with anyone seeing u in swim wear

the happily married friends instead of laughing like they used to, give the 'awhh' look,when u say ur going to be alone forever and go on to seriously console u

the words 'dead inside ' never made more sense to u.

My Dream

I dream of a dream.

I dream that my dream shall someday come true.

I dream that all my dreams shall not remain just a dream.

I dream for that day when all these dreams are realized.

I dream that I don’t’ spend my days dreaming.

I dream that my dreams shall be more than just dreams.

I dream that these dreams will make me dream more.

Though these are dreams today, I dream of making them a reality one day.

I will always be dreaming of these dreams,

So that I do have hope in life, I still hope that this life is worth living.

G. Siva Shankar

Oh Joy!!

Someone thought my blog was really depressing and morose so here's something pleasant to cheer everyone up :) :) Yesssss i'm a wannabe poet who thinks she's got the whole dark humor thing going...

'THIS TOO SHALL PASS'

O god i really hope so...but then if i had a penny for everytime i was told that when stuff like this happened as it so often seems to....but it does pass...but u know what i really wish for..i wish just for once that i had something which didn't inevitably become this and i didn't have to cross my fingers till it went away...

Self realization??

So now a year and a half, a terrible break up, trauma and neverending tears later..the person i wrote about in my post titled 'My own worst enemy' (its down below somehwere) decides to complete the article with a happy ending?? Life is just amazing..u get exactly what u want when u don't want it anymore.

Here's what he has to say:

When you do become your own worst enemy, the time comes for you to sort out all the pieces in your head and tell yourself that today, I will change things. I will make right all the things that I made wrong. Only because self realization dawns upon me. And I know that in one lifetime, all I want from life is peace and happiness. I might have achieved that by myself but for the fact that you came into my life and showed me what it feels like to be loved and cared beyond my wildest dreams. And I would be suicidal to let something so precious slip away. Hence I consciously make right all the wrong and hope for forgiveness and pray for one more chance. Loneliness is a curse no one should have to go through because it saps your ambition, your strength, your desire and your very will to survive. You have taught me all that. And now you tell me to ignore it all? How can I even think of that as a possibility??

The ability to love and be loved unconditionally is God’s greatest gift to us. And we must forgive because it is the greatest thing we can do. The fact remains that time heals all and now you can turn to the arms of a man to comfort you. Because that man who was responsible for the pain and suffering you went through has gone down the same road and he has realized and wants nothing more than to give you everything in this life and beyond. Should such self realization be punished to this extent? Maybe, if you had not felt the way you did. But since you did, should you not attempt at least to forgive and try once more?

How many times forgive? How mant times try? there is a breaking point. How perfect that the self realization happened only after the breaking point!! i guess thats when self realization is punished but not by me...by yourself.