The 'Ex' Factor

How do i get rid of this ex factor that seems to permeate through all my relationships? How is it possible to have a normal relationship after you had a few bad traumatic ones. There is so much baggage that goes with it, it puts so much pressure on the relationship. After years of being treated a certain way and reacting a certain way to stuff how do you go back? For example If there was always that expectation of betrayal and deception then it will be there regardless of the person ur with...or if reacting a certain way to things got u into shit you've become accustomed not to. Analysing too much...not wanting to screw things up....am i going too fast..too slow..aaaaaa.

The outcome being that you screw up what you have now cos the other person obviously can't get y ur a raging lunatic about stuff when they've done nothing to deserve it.

Or is it that I'm just so used to being miserable and its so alien to be happy that there must definitely be something wrong. Aren't we supposed to learn from our mistakes? I've learnt that its all going to end in misery if I'm not careful and how do i be careful? Cut my losses and run when i can? So i'm gonna be alone all my life..great.

So am i practically still having a relationship with my ex rather than the one i'm with now? How do i stop & start a fresh..no expectations..no baggage..no psychosis. I guess i need to start having a relationship with myself first and not define who i am by who i'm with...but the thing is that i thot i did but as soon as something new comes up I'm back there in that place where its those old feelings that i can't let go of. Does this mean i can never have a normal relationship because of this Ex factor?

Is the person i'm gonna be with going thru this too then? That means he's not really having a relationship with me either?