Lost

I'm so lost..lost and still going further and further into this desert...just out of sheer curiosity to see how much further i can go..how much i can push myself .. Sometimes i see a nice spot, a resting place..cool shade..crystal clear flowing water. this must be it i think and rush towards it..imagining and fantasizing about how awesome its gonna be..what could possibly go wrong? I'm thrilled with expectation... run and dive headfirst into the water...only to find that it was a mirage....sore and bleeding i sit there thinking what went wrong..but it felt so real.. i had hyped it up in my head so much and wanted it so bad.
Its at that moment..when i'm sitting there exhausted and disappointed that i need to make that decision to either head back home..back to safety or to keep going deeper into the desert because i think that there might be a chance that there is something good actually out there.. that i will find my oasis.
Of course the logical thing to do would be to head back and with full knowledge of that i still decide to go ahead and wander around some more because that's what i'm used to..its been so long like this that its just easier to keep going.. its my life now..its all i know. I think there is enough time for that..i can go home whenever i want to. I need the anticipation, the thrill of the unknown. i don't think i can survive back where i came from.. i'm not that person anymore.. so i trudge along with fresh bruises.. another part of me dead.. another wound that will never heal.. and i can still feel it.. that nagging feeling.. that guilt and regret of having gotten into a mess again and still not learning.
But I'm glad i still can feel regret and guilt..hopefully that means i'm not completely lost. There is some hope. maybe some day i can muster up the courage and have the common sense to stop doing this to myself. I look around sometimes for that car that might come by so i can hitch a ride back home..sometimes they come and i don't ask for a ride and most times i go for aride for a bit and get off before i reach home. As i grow older it becomes increasingly hard to let go of the madness. Shouldn't it be wisdom that comes with age and not foolishness that comes with thinking u have 'one life enjoy it'.
so i stumble on hoping that i'll find my oasis.. i just hope that i find it soon because i seem to have begun to forget the way home.