My own worst enemy

I wrote this a year or so ago...wow can't beleive i actually felt like this then?

What do u do when the only person you’re disappointed in is yourself?…what do u do when only person that ur angry with is yourself…its been so long its not even fair to blame the person or situation causing the heart ache. What do you do when u become your own worst enemy? This is a tired soul trying to let out some of the pain within…..a feeble attempt to let loose some of the trapped emotions inside. Hoping in some way it will help, help to ease the pain, help to let go of the memories, help to forget, help to stop, help to..just help. Groping in the dark for some answers…

This is a soul just wanting to be happy..just wanting peace of mind..just wanting to be free..end all the pain..the loneliness…Y am i so afraid of being alone? Y does the fact that I can’t turn to the arms of a man for comfort scare me? But it does..So I remain..locked in this viscious circle..from one to the other..find one where I can stay just a little bit longer than the rest..accept any terms that come along..y? because I feel safe, because I belong, because I need. Only to wake up to find it was all unreal…wanted it so much to be true it almost felt real for a bit..but just for a bit. At times you wake up from this fantasy you’ve created around yourself and ironically…find yourself lonelier than you’ve ever felt in your entire life. You try and go back to that place where everything is ok..its just a phase u say..u try but it comes back in some way or another. And finally In one split second..it all comes crashing down like a pack of cards..so weak was it..that it just fell..just like that…but the effect..the effect hits you like an avalanche hurtling towards you..the funny thing is you know its coming..u can hear it…u can feel it…but if u close your ears tight enough…u believe it isn’t there.

Who’s gonna help u now? You r probably lucky enough to have ppl around who can help you get up..out of that pit..they try..u let them for a while…but that pit is somewhere where you don’t have to deal with reality..the reality that you need get out of that place on your own…they can only get you out half way..the rest is up to you….what do you do? The sec they let go of your hand…its…its…dark…lonely..you don’t have to be this way…there was a time just a while ago when it felt good..it felt safe..y not go back there? Just for a bit..what diff would it make? Its better that being miserable and trying to get outta thr all alone…this is a better way…you’re stronger now u think..i can deal with this, this time. I’ll go back to that place, you think…just this time I’ll protect myself, you say…so armor on, sword in hand, shield in position you walk forth into that land back to that enemy territory..where you were left for dead…but the vultures unfortunately didn’t eat your flesh..wish they had,,at least you wouldn’t have the strength to go back into war…war with yourself.

Its there….Familiarity….try……Emptiness…..try…..y isn’t it like it used to be?…try…….its kind of coming back…..try…….lonliness…..why? why? Leave him…I can’t…..why? what will I do? I can’t go back to that pit…I won’t make it….this is better…..is it? Try…..i can’t go thru it again….but its not worth it…..try…..y am I the only one trying? Its me…I’m overacting..its no big deal….enjoy it..don’t ruin it….try….ignore everything else…. Now its clear…I know..its time…I’m back in the pit…you see… I never left it…never left…I need to get out…I have to get out…or I’m gonna drown..i’m gonna lose myself….but how do I get out? Can I leave all this behind? But what am I leaving behind? What am I going to lose? How do I lose Something that was never mine? But y does it hurt so bad then? Y can’t I understand? Y can’t I see the quick sand that’s pulling me in?…… I see and yet I don’t see…………. Reality is the most difficult thing to ignore and yet sometimes the easiest..how did we become such experts at ignoring reality…. Is our mind such a powerful thing that we make ourselves believe we can ignore it? We can make our own reality but can we invite other people into it? Does our reality become theirs? Or do change our reality to theirs?

Like I was saying… what do u do when the only person you’re disappointed in is yourself?…only person that ur angry with is yourself…its been so long its not even fair to blame the person or situation causing the pain. What do you do when u become your own worst enemy?